When men become fathers, some step up. Others step away.
If he chooses to step away, the cost doesn't leave with him. It stays with you, week after week, in food, school shoes and rent.
The Quiet Path brings together the information, the steps and the tools to find what he owes and get it back. Calmly, privately and thoroughly, without him knowing until you're ready.
Your baby's costs were never yours to carry alone.
Let the system do the chasing. You keep the peace.
The Quiet Path shows you, straight away, what you are not claiming
and where you sit on the timeline.
You don't have to work it out with a government department.
It's fast and accurate, and it shows what each quiet week of not rocking the boat
is already costing you, and costing your child. They don't have a choice. You do.
Waiting isn't keeping the peace.
Waiting is you allowing him the time
to run both clocks down. Every week you wait,
one of them takes money you can never get back.
Waiting makes him hope you've forgotten. Silence doesn't read as kindness. It reads as "maybe she'll let it go".
Waiting uses your good nature. Not wanting to rock the boat is decent. It's also exactly what lets the clock run down on your claim.
Waiting burns money you can claim through IRD. Child support can't be backdated. The weeks before you apply are simply gone.
The child support clock only starts when you ask. It runs from the day IRD receives your application. Not the day he left. Not the day you meant to.
What waiting has cost you
Child support a year
—Time left to claim the house
—Child support already lost
—Still ahead of you
—At today's weekly figure. Child support is 18 years of payments, and the amount changes as both your incomes change, so treat these as a guide, not an IRD assessment.
Three ways this can go
The calm choice isn't the one where you ask him nicely. It's the one where you never have to ask at all.
Online and data privacy.
He may still know your logins, or be able to see your phone or accounts. A few quiet steps keep this between you and the people helping you.
Check for shared and synced accounts first
If you share an Apple Account (Apple ID), iCloud, Google account, Microsoft account, a family sharing plan, or a phone or email account with him, or you ever signed in on his phone, tablet, laptop or car, your private life can show up on his devices. That includes your texts, including codes and messages from IRD, banks, lawyers and services, emails from anyone, photos, your location, call history, browsing and your calendar.
What to check, today
- Devices on your Apple account. On your iPhone, open Settings and tap your name at the top. Scroll down to see every device signed in with your Apple account, and remove any that aren't yours.
- Devices on your Google account. In your Google Account, go to Security, then Your devices, and sign out of any you don't recognise.
- Microsoft. If you use Outlook or Hotmail, check the Devices page of your Microsoft account in the same way.
- Location sharing. In Find My on iPhone, check People. In Google Maps, check Location sharing. Stop sharing with him and anyone who would pass it on.
- Family Sharing. On iPhone it's under Settings, then your name. On Android, check Google Family Link and any Google family group. Leave any group he manages.
- Text forwarding and iMessage. On iPhone, look for Text Message Forwarding in the Messages settings (on newer iPhones, Settings, then Apps, then Messages) and turn off every device that isn't yours. iMessage also shows on any iPad or Mac signed in to your Apple account.
- Email forwarding and filters. In Gmail or Outlook settings, check for forwarding addresses and rules or filters you didn't set up. Delete any you don't recognise.
- Shared calendars. Remove him from any calendar he can see, and stop using one he shares.
- Old devices at his place. An old iPad, laptop or phone still signed in as you, or a car that shows your messages through CarPlay or Android Auto. Sign them out from your account settings.
If an account is shared, or you're not sure, set up a new one that only you control before you do anything else on this site, including the AI email search.
Quick exit
The Quick exit button in the corner swaps this page for an everyday one in an instant, and the back button won't bring it back. On a computer, pressing Esc twice does the same.
The Quick exit button in the corner leaves this page straight away and opens Google. The back button won't bring it back.
When I hide, show:
Use a private window
Private browsing doesn't keep history on the device. In Chrome it's New Incognito window. On an iPhone in Safari, tap the tabs button and choose Private. On Android, open Chrome's menu and choose New Incognito tab.
It won't hide what you do from a work or school network, or from spyware on the device.
Clear just this site
You don't need to wipe everything, which can look unusual. Open your browser history, search for The Quiet Path and delete only those entries.
This site also saves your notes on this device.
Shared devices
On a shared computer or tablet, use your own login or a private window. Check what's open before you hand a phone over, and turn off message previews on your lock screen.
Change every password
Every site and every account. Start with your email, because every other password can be reset through it. Then do your banks, credit cards, finance company accounts, phone, power, internet, council, myIR, MyMSD, KiwiSaver, Apple or Google, and social media.
Use a different password for each one, and nothing he could guess. A password manager, in the next card, makes this the easy part.
Use a password manager
The easiest way to change every password and keep them safe is a password manager, such as 1Password or Bitwarden, or the free one already on your phone (iPhone Passwords, or Google Password Manager on Android). It makes up a long, scrambled password for each account and fills it in for you, so you never need to know or remember them.
They're stored securely on your phone. Set it up with one strong main password he could never guess, turn on two-step sign-in, and make sure it's on an Apple or Google account only you use, not a shared or family one.
Add a passcode wherever you can
Banks, phone companies, power companies and councils often let you set a security passcode or PIN that has to be given before anyone can talk about or change your account.
If you can't see the option, ring them and ask whether they offer one. Turn on two-step login with codes sent to your own phone.
Your own account
Have your pay, Working for Families and child support go into an account in your name only, with its own login and passcode. Keep the statements in your own email, not one he can see.
Before you tell the bank
Don't close a joint account or tell the bank you've separated until you know what it does to your loan or mortgage. Banks act when they see a risk.
If the bank thinks the mortgage can't be paid, because he's living in the house, you're paying rent somewhere else and he isn't paying child support, it can start steps to protect itself, and that can end with the house being sold. Talk to your family lawyer first.
For more on staying safe, see Women's Refuge NZ: help and online safety ↗. If you're ever in danger, call 111. More help, day and night
Two clocks are already running.
One is the time limit on a property claim. The other is child support you could be getting, which only starts once IRD has your application. Put in the date he left and see where both stand.
days
of the 3 years still left
Add your weekly figure to see what waiting has cost so far.
For de facto couples, a court claim over relationship property generally has to be filed within 3 years of separating. Settling by agreement well before then is the low-conflict route. Child support runs from the day IRD receives the application and can't be backdated. General information only. Check your own dates with a family lawyer or Community Law.
How much time does he actually spend with your child?
A couple of hours here and there can feel like a lot when you're arranging your week around it. Seeing the whole year helps you describe care accurately to IRD and your lawyer.
hours, on average
hours in total
full 24-hour days a year
0 overnight stays a year
IRD looks at the pattern of care, including overnight stays, when it works out child support. Ask IRD how your pattern counts. This shows the arithmetic of the time only.
Don't know what he earns? Use a range.
It's not "it's only $180 a week".
It's 18 years of child support payments.
His income rises and yours goes down,
and that number changes enormously.
You don't need his payslip to start. Pick a lower, middle and higher guess at his income. For each one, run IRD's own estimator and type in the weekly figure it gives you. You'll see all three side by side, and what a year of waiting would cost at each.
We never calculate the child support amount ourselves. The weekly figures come from you. Open IRD's child support pages and estimator ↗
IRD uses the income it has on record for him. If he's self-employed or his declared income looks too low, you can ask IRD for an administrative review. It's a paper process, not a courtroom.
One step at a time. Tick as you go.
Your ticks are saved on this device, so you can close the page and pick up where you left off.
About him
Just his name, ID and contact details.
That's all you need here. The AI prompt in step 2 below searches your own email for the rest, such as his work, address, cars and accounts.
What you know about him, kept in one place.
Gaps are fine. IRD can trace him. Everything here stays on this device until you choose to print it for your lawyer.
About you
Your document folder
Drop in your papers: the KiwiSaver withdrawal letter, sale and purchase agreement, settlement statement, mortgage, rates, insurance, IRD letters. In this prototype they're listed in your lawyer pack index. In the full version, we read them for you and fill in what we can.
Document checklist
Tick each one you have. Your lawyer pack shows what you have and what is still to find.
Everything you built together
One area at a time, matching the plan. Answer what you know and choose “Not sure” for the rest. Your answers go into your lawyer letter.
Bank accounts and KiwiSaver
Investments
Insurance, bills and vehicles
Companies and directorships
Family trusts
Inheritances and gifts
His work and side work
Debts and agreements
A simple log
What he has paid or provided, baby costs, mortgage and rates you've covered since he left, and any contact. Dates and facts only, no commentary.
| Date | What | Amount |
|---|
For your lawyer
A tidy summary of everything above. It updates as you type.
Your key dates, and a gentle nudge before each one.
Built from the dates you've entered. Add them to your phone's calendar and get an email before anything important.
Reminder emails
Prototype: reminder emails aren't sent yet. This shows how they'll work.
The document pack.
Ready-to-use files, all in the same calm style, so the paperwork feels sorted rather than scary.
Lawyer pack
Branded cover, his details, key dates, care time, income range, your log and document index.
Paper trail checklist
Every document your lawyer and IRD are likely to ask for, with boxes to tick.
Log template (spreadsheet)
Your log so far as a CSV that opens in Excel, Numbers or Google Sheets.
The neutral message
One short text so IRD's letter isn't a surprise, with your baby's name filled in.
Key dates calendar file
Opens in Apple, Google or Outlook calendars.
Everything, for one small payment.
You don't have to ring every lawyer in the book, hoping one of them will sit down and figure this out for you and your child for free. One simple set fee. Solid information, so you can get your ducks in a row, get on the path, and go in already set and informed.
No subscription, no upsells. Seeing it clearly, the two clocks and a taste of the calculators stay free for everyone.
One payment, yours to keep.
- Solid information, so you walk in set and informed
- The full step-by-step course, saved as you tick
- Every calculator in full, all three income guesses
- The quiet record: his details, a simple log, your documents
- A printable lawyer pack with your details on it
- Your key dates calendar and reminder emails
- The complete document pack
By continuing you agree to the Terms of use.
Your access link is emailed to you straight away. The charge shows on your statement under a plain name, so it stays private.
If you need help now.
You don't have to face this alone. These services are free and confidential, and you can contact them whenever you need.
Call 111 and ask for the Police
If you or your children are in danger right now, call 111. If it isn't safe to speak, press 55 on a mobile, or any number on a landline, to be put through to the Police.
Call 111Women's Refuge
A free 24-hour crisis line, safe houses, and advocates who help women and children make a plan to leave safely, find somewhere to live and get a protection order.
Call 0800 733 843That's 0800 REFUGELook for the Shielded Site icon at the bottom of many New Zealand websites. It opens a private way to contact Women's Refuge that won't show in your browser history. About the Shielded Site ↗
womensrefuge.org.nz ↗Shine helpline
Free, confidential family violence support by phone or live webchat. They can help you understand what's happening, sort through your options and plan to be safer.
Call 0508 744 633Shine helpline and webchat ↗Lifeline
Free, confidential support from trained counsellors when things feel like too much, by phone or text.
Call 0800 543 354That's 0800 LIFELINEText HELP (4357)lifeline.org.nz ↗Free and official.
Work and Income (MSD)
Sole Parent Support, Accommodation Supplement, childcare help.
workandincome.govt.nz ↗Community Law
Free legal advice, including birth costs, and referral to a family lawyer for the house.
A good place to start, not the place to stop. Free advice is usually general and short, and it isn't a lawyer taking on your case. For the house and money, the best advice comes from a family lawyer who acts only for you and answers for what they tell you.
communitylaw.org.nz ↗Family Justice (Ministry of Justice)
The free Parenting Through Separation course and family court information.
justice.govt.nz/family ↗Land Information NZ (LINZ)
Order a copy of the record of title for the house, and see how you own it. About $8, emailed as a PDF.
lrs.linz.govt.nz ↗Births, Deaths and Marriages (DIA)
Order your child's birth certificate online, by post or by phone. A standard certificate is $35.
Order a birth certificate ↗